Let's Talk About Colton Underwood's Coming Out Narrative

TW: domestic violence, sexual violence, stalking

Last week, reality television personality and former professional football player Colton Underwood came out as gay during an exclusive interview with Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. (1) Most famously known as a former lead on The Bachelor, a highly heteronormative ABC reality show where thirty women compete for a proposal from the leading man (and a “problematic favorite” television series of this author, alas), Colton’s coming out makes him the first openly gay Bachelor in the franchise’s nearly twenty-year history. (2) On the surface, this story appears to be a cause for celebration: a former professional football player, raised religiously as a Catholic, dismantles toxic masculinity everywhere by finally embracing his true sexuality. While all this is true, the reality isn’t nearly so simple.

The last time that Colton Underwood was making news headlines prior to his coming out was in the fall of 2020, after his ex-girlfriend Cassie Randolph filed a restraining order against him. (3) Randolph was the “winner” on Colton’s season of The Bachelor, which wrapped filming in late November 2018 (4); in fact, in another Bachelor franchise first, Colton left the show when it was down to the final three women in order to pursue Cassie...after she had tried to break up with him and leave the show on her own accord. Yes, you read that correctly. Cassie tried to end things with Colton and leave the show, and his response was to jump a fence out of passion and quit the show in his dogged pursuit of winning her over. It was an action that, at the time, various news outlets hailed as a “very romantic” and “legendary” move. (5) The romantic grand gesture to end all grand gestures.

Before the episode aired, the Bachelor promotional ads teased the fence-jumping moment every week as the height of drama for the show. The entire franchise has a rampant history of conflating obsession and toxic behaviors with romance, so much so that “gestures” like these are essentially the expectation in “Bachelor nation” (Ashley I and Jared, anyone?). On the interview circuit post-show, Colton explained jumping the six foot fence was a combination of “adrenaline and love,” and claimed that he would “jump a thousand more, every single day,” for Cassie. When he explains why he left the show, Colton says: “I couldn’t let someone walk away that I was in love with.” (5) And for a while, at least, it seemed to have worked out. Though they didn’t end up engaged, Colton and Cassie continued their relationship outside of the show.

Flash forward to April 2020: Cassie finally ends the relationship, and by September 2020, Cassie has officially filed a restraining order against Colton, citing domestic violence prevention as the reason. (3) According to the report, since their breakup Colton had been “stalking and harassing” Cassie, sending her “unsettling text messages,” “repeatedly” calling her, and placing “a tracking device on her vehicle to track her whereabouts.” Colton had been showing up at both her family’s home in Huntington Beach and at her apartment in Los Angeles at all hours of the day and night, and had even gone so far as to procure alias phone numbers, sending harassing texts not only to Cassie and her friends/family, but also to himself, claiming himself as another victim of the attacks before later admitting they were from him. After receiving multiple text messages indicating knowledge of her whereabouts, Cassie’s family searched her car and found a tracking device taped to the bottom of the back bumper. (6)

Four days after this document was filed, a judge ordered that Colton needed to stay at least 100 yards away from Cassie, as well as 100 yards away from her house, her car, her work, and her school. The judge also prohibited Colton from contacting Cassie. (7) Nearly a month later, Cassie proceeded to file a police report about the tracking device, just hours before Colton was scheduled to make a court appearance on October 6th; the restraining order was extended for an additional month. (8) Cassie dropped the restraining order and her legal case against him in the beginning of November, which is when Colton made his first official statement about the allegations: “Today Cassie asked the court to dismiss the temporary restraining order against me. The two of us were able to reach a private agreement to address any of Cassie's concerns.” Instead of addressing the truth of the allegations or addressing his own violent and aggressive behavioral patterns, his statement focused entirely on Cassie’s actions and leaned on extremely vague descriptions: “I do not believe Cassie did anything wrong in filing for the restraining order and also believe she acted in good faith.” (9) Just days later, Colton wiped his entire Instagram account and dropped out of the national spotlight. (10)

What’s perhaps even more unsettling than Colton’s silence about his role in the domestic violence allegations was that, in January 2021, Colton had the gall to publish a “bonus” chapter to his 2020 memoir, The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV, in which he wrote about his break-up with Cassie and his struggle with COVID-19. Of the break-up, he actually writes: “I didn't want to break up. I didn't want to accept that Cass wanted to break up with me. I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want any of this to be real.” (11) His pattern of behavior, even before the official filing of the restraining order and police report, demonstrates the extent of his obsession with Cassie and the potential he imagined for their heterosexual relationship, disregarding the realities of not only his sexuality but also her agency.

In Underwood’s April 14th “bombshell” interview with GMA, he addresses the dissolution of his relationship with Cassie in an extremely brief apology, which is easily overshadowed by the emphasis on his sexuality that dominates the rest of the interview. He says: “I would like to say sorry for how things ended. I messed up, I made a lot of bad choices.” He also says: “I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart. I’m sorry for any pain and emotional stress I caused. I wish it wouldn’t have happened the way it did. I wish that I would’ve been courageous enough to fix myself before I broke anybody else.” (1) In other words, he does not address his actions as domestic violence or even as particularly dangerous; all of the language he uses could easily be referring to any normal break-up scenario where feelings get hurt. He does not dwell on the specifics of the harm that he caused or the fear that he instilled.

When he says “I wish it wouldn’t have happened the way it did,” it is almost as though, in his mind, he wasn’t intentionally orchestrating exactly what happened; rather, it was just an unfortunate yet mostly unavoidable series of events that culminated in the public eye. By saying that he wishes he “would’ve been courageous enough to fix” himself before he “broke anybody else,” he is directly shifting the blame from his own deliberate actions and choices to the impact of his repressed homosexuality on his actions. In a later interview with Nightline, he clarifies his mindset further by saying: “I made mistakes at the end of that relationship and I ruined the good memories we had by my actions and what I did to hold on to being straight because I didn’t want to look myself in the mirror. So for that, I’m extremely, extremely sorry.” (12)

When Colton says “what I did,” what he should’ve said was “the domestic violence I perpetrated.” And how does Colton justify his holding on to “being straight” as the reason for perpetrating domestic violence in the first place? Is he of the mindset that his actions were because of his misplaced anger towards women--for not feeling the attraction to them that he believed he was supposed to feel? Was it because Cassie was an essential prop for his curated heterosexual image, and when he lost the ability to use her as a prop he lost control of the narrative? Either way, he took his own issues with his sexuality and made them Cassie’s nightmare, and he twisted his own trauma into Cassie’s perpetual fear. Nobody is saying it’s easy to be a gay, religious football player. But there are many, many people in this world who have experienced trauma, abuse, and violence, and yet do not decide to inflict that violence and fear on others. Shifting the blame for his actions to his struggle with his sexuality is Colton casting himself as one of the victims of this scenario, when he is still very much the perpetrator.

Here’s the hard truth: just because Colton is a gay man does not mean he didn’t commit acts of domestic violence against a woman. And it seems as though his coming out narrative is in some way designed to make us forget this fact, or to forget the very real danger behind his abusive actions because he’s actually gay. Imagine you are a young woman being stalked and harassed by a 6’3”, 255-pound former football player who has a record of obsession with you and who you’ve tried to break up with multiple times. (13) Now try telling me that that doesn’t scare the living daylights out of you. That was Cassie’s reality, regardless of Colton’s true sexual orientation.

When I first saw the story break about Colton Underwood coming out as a gay man, on the heels of the public scrutiny surrounding his domestic violence allegations, my stomach dropped. Immediately, I was reminded of Hollywood actor Kevin Spacey’s coming out story. On October 29th, 2017, actor Anthony Rapp alleged in an interview with Buzzfeed that in 1986, when he was a drunk 14-year-old at a party, Spacey made sexual advances on him. Spacey was 26 years old at the time. The day after this interview was released, Spacey tweeted a statement that he did not “remember the encounter,” but that the story “encouraged him to address other things” about his life and that he was now choosing to live openly as a gay man. (14) When I heard Colton hedge around his stalking and obsessive behavior, but also claim that what happened in his personal life was a “wake-up call” for him (1), I couldn’t help but see the threads between these two celebrity narratives. It wasn’t the horrible acts of violence and violation transpiring in the first place that forced these public epiphanies to occur; it was the public’s awareness of such behavior that indicated it was time to come out of the closet, in order to change the direction of the narrative that was building against them.*

I am perfectly aware that growing up as a Catholic white male who plays football is essentially a breeding ground for traumatizing toxic masculinity and homophobic influences; I am also not denying that these experiences must have made it incredibly difficult for Colton to embrace his sexuality or develop a healthy relationship with himself. But I am not willing to let that be the only throughline of this story that lasts, because trauma that is not addressed is perpetuated, often to women and children. Not everyone who is an abuser is a psychopath or a sociopath--not everyone who is an abuser is so without any discernible background context. But there is still no context that justifies abuse, that justifies manipulating situations to make others feel fear, or that justifies stripping away others’ agency to feel more in control.

Why do the actions of a B-list reality star merit such an in-depth analysis? They matter because Colton Underwood actually has a substantial platform. His Instagram has two million followers (an Instagram that he has started posting on once again, as of last week), his first book became a New York Times bestseller (so about 1,000,000x more people are reading his words than will ever, ever see this blog post), and his season of The Bachelor raked in an average of 6.5 million viewers per week (this author included). (15) Not only that, but it’s been announced that Colton has made a Netflix deal to star in a new documentary series about navigating his life as an out gay man. (16) Do I think Colton Underwood deserves to be banished from society entirely? Do I believe Colton doesn’t deserve love, support, or help to become a better and healthier version of himself and to live his truth as a gay man? Of course not. But do I think he deserves a platform with one of the biggest streaming services in the entire world? Also no. And there are many who agree with me. Currently, a petition is circulating on Change.org to cancel this Netflix deal, and so far it has garnered nearly 35,000 signatures in support. One of the comments on the petition page, written by a user named Angela Mooney, sums up the issue with this documentary appropriately: “Abusers do not get a sympathy tour, and women aren’t just tertiary characters in a male’s story arch [sic] in becoming his true self.” (17)

*To be perfectly clear: there is no causal relationship between coming out later in life and sexual or gender-based violence, and it is not my intention to indicate that such a relationship exists. There are many, many examples of male celebrities who choose to come out later in life who are not perpetrators or abusers (George Takei, Ian McKellan, Anderson Cooper, etc. etc.). The issue at hand is not based in any sort of judgment about people who choose to come out or who embrace a more fluid sexuality at a later point in life. The issue is celebrities manipulating public coming out narratives in order to shield themselves from accountability for their abusive behaviors.

Sources:

1. GMA: Former 'Bachelor' Colton Underwood speaks his truth and comes out as gay: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5WsydRK30Q&ab_channel=GoodMorningAmerica

2. The Cut: A History of The Bachelor, by the People Who Lived It: https://www.thecut.com/2015/12/history-of-the-bachelor-c-v-r.html

3. Entertainment Weekly: Cassie Randolph files for restraining order against Colton Underwood 3 months after split: https://ew.com/celebrity/cassie-randolph-restraining-order-colton-underwood/

4. Refinery29: Here's How Much Time Colton Had To Get To Know His Bachelor Contestants (Spoiler: Not Much): https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2019/01/221514/when-is-the-bachelor-filmed-colton-underwood-start

5. BUILD Series: Colton Underwood & Cassie Randolph Chat About Their Season On "The Bachelor": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOuF-85FZ0Q&t=607s&ab_channel=BUILDSeries

PeopleTV: 'Bachelor' Stars Colton & Cassie On Their Breakup, The Fence Jump & More (FULL): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m7LkloKGJg&ab_channel=People

6. Hollywood Life: Cassie Randolph Granted Restraining Order Against Colton Underwood After Stalking Accusations: https://hollywoodlife.com/2020/09/14/cassie-randolph-granted-restraining-order-colton-underwood-stalking-harassment/

7. GMA: Cassie Randolph granted temporary restraining order against ex Colton Underwood: https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/culture/story/cassie-randolph-granted-temporary-restraining-order-colton-underwood-73019496

8. US Weekly: Cassie Randolph Files Police Report Against Ex Colton Underwood Over Tracking Device in Her Car: https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/cassie-randolph-files-police-report-against-colton-underwood/

ET: Cassie Randolph's Temporary Restraining Order Against Colton Underwood Gets Extended: https://www.etonline.com/cassie-randolphs-temporary-restraining-order-against-colton-underwood-gets-extended-154210

9. People: The Bachelor’s Cassie Randolph Drops Restraining Order Against Ex Colton Underwood: https://people.com/tv/colton-underwood-says-cassie-randolph-dropped-restraining-order-against-him/

10. ET: Colton Underwood Removes All Posts From His Instagram: https://www.etonline.com/colton-underwood-removes-all-posts-from-his-instagram-155910

11. E!: Colton Underwood Details Every Step of His Split With Cassie Randolph For the First Time: https://www.eonline.com/news/1230775/colton-underwood-details-every-step-of-his-split-with-cassie-randolph-for-the-first-time

12. Today: Cassie Randolph breaks silence after ex Colton Underwood comes out as gay: https://www.today.com/popculture/cassie-randolph-breaks-silence-after-ex-colton-underwood-comes-out-t215435

13. NFL: Colton Underwood Player Info: https://www.nfl.com/players/colton-underwood/

14. ABC News: Kevin Spacey apologizes, comes out as gay after allegation of sexual advance on 14-year-old: https://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/choose-now-live-gay-man-kevin-spacey-emotional/story?id=50804057

15. TV Series Finale: The Bachelor Season 23 Ratings: https://tvseriesfinale.com/tv-show/the-bachelor-season-23-ratings/

The New York Times: Hardcover Nonfiction Bestsellers: https://www.nytimes.com/books/best-sellers/2020/04/19/hardcover-nonfiction/

16. Variety: Former ‘Bachelor’ Colton Underwood Filming His Own Netflix Reality Show After Coming Out: https://variety.com/2021/tv/news/colton-underwood-netflix-reality-show-gay-the-bachelor-1234950986/

17. Change.org: Cancel Colton Underwood’s Netflix Documentary: https://www.change.org/p/netflix-cancel-colton-underwood-s-netflix-documentary